Archive for September, 2005


participation positives
+ fall weather–finally!
+ snuggling in bed with the dog and watching cooking shows on PBS until 1130am Saturday morning.
+ catching up on my sleep
+ Saturday night phone calls from the Gay Team
+ standing my ground about the f*cking living room tables (I don’t want them! I don’t want to pay for them!) and winning.
+ Death Cab CD from Neil
+ “Price of Gas” and “Pioneers” from Bloc Party’s “Silent Alarm” this morning
+ unexpected iced coffee from a coworker
+ being almost kind of ok with having $2 in my checking account
+ 4 days, 106 hours, 6377 minutes, 382625 seconds until roommate moves out.


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guilty pleasure

I feel guilty because I just celebrated when I found out someone from my home office is leaving the company. We have never gotten along and I think she is a terrible person. I have referred to her on more than one occassion as my mortal enemy.

Now I feel guilty for being so happy that I will never have to talk to her again. I feel bad for calling her my mortal enemy. I feel bad for the HUGE smile on my face.

Is it ok to be this happy? It’s not like she’s getting fired, she’s moving on. I’m just happy that HER negativity will no longer affect me!

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I have been extremely negative lately. You know that feeling when you can’t stop scowling…when your eyebrows are constantly furrowed and you know you’re pulling a face and you can’t stop? Negative, negative, negative. Last night, after a passive aggressive argument with soon-to-be-ex-roommate, I couldn’t sleep. My stomach gnawed and bucked for hours. I laid there, feeling hot and sweaty, my heart was pounding and kept repeating “Why? Why? Why?” over and over in my head.

Does negativity create negativity? Does feeling crappy on the inside lead to feelings of crap on the outside? My mother has always said I am overly sensitive, like an emotional antennae, that I pick up every emotional vibration within a 10 mile radius. I feel it on a very cellular level. If you feel like shit, I feel like shit. Last night it was like a tremendous elephant of pissed off emotion was sitting on my chest. An awkward, passive aggressive elephant on my chest–it’s not fun. And it wasn’t just last night. It’s been happening for weeks. I swear more, I say terrible things that I don’t mean, I find myself getting sucked into the did-you-hear-about-so-and-so-isn’t-so-and-so-stupid bullshit that I’ve I’ve been trying to wean myself from.

This negativity makes things not funny. I haven’t been overjoyed with anything lately, everything sucks. And me thinking everything sucks is making…everything…suck. It’s making everything negative: my bank account, my attitude towards everything and I think it’s even affecting people around me. I feel like a little black rain cloud.

So, to counteract this mass campaign of negativity, I am going to do my own version of participation positives to get me on the right track. I KNOW it should be on a Monday but I think it should still count. So here goes:
+My mom bailing me out and loving me and worrying about me NO MATTER WHAT. She is amazing. I don’t tell her enough. I LOVE YOU MOM!
+Being awake at 4:30am to see the sunrise.
+The way Lily wakes me up in the morning…every morning…at 5am.
+Seeing my sister smile and knowing that she is in love.
+Ice coffee buzz.
+The way Jed says “Good morning!”
+Laughing at my own ridiculous behavior.
+A quiet office.
+Feeling better by the minute.

Have a good day!

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9 days
226 hours
13574 minutes
814476 seconds

Until she moves out.

Not like I’m counting or anything.

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I’m in love…

With my new camera.

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no words today

This killed me today. Please click and watch.

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silent night

listening: Blue Light (Engineers Antigravity Mix), Bloc Party

Ah, this strange medium between reality and fantasy. It’s like the thin air between two pieces of glass. What can you discuss here? When do you censor yourself? When do you make it up, tell the truth, lie to yourself, scream from mountaintops. I think Nicole called it ants in the pants. Something you want to write about, talk about, discuss…but you can’t. Neil–yeah, I’ll call you later.

This made me tear up today…I don’t know why. John Cameron Mitchell (Hedwig, and it if you haven’t seen it, PLEASE rent Hedwig and the Angry Inch) directed. It’s great. Watch it.

Honestly, I’m exhausted right now. I’m trying not to watch CNN because I can’t stand seeing our president betray our country.

Again, if you can help, please do.

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