Archive for September, 2001

“I’m kind of surprised I don’t feel so bad when I think about the kind of week I had…” –Big Wreck, Breakthrough, The Pleasure and the Greed

Thank you, Ian, for saying exactly what I feel.

Goddamn, what a week, I’m telling you. I’m so exhausted at this point, I can hardly believe I made it through.

Being at work is strange. The people I’m used to seeing…the people who were my friends…they’re all gone now. On unemployment. Just gone. It’s strange, there only being five of us downstairs. Finding a parking space on the first try. Going to lunch at 1pm. It’s so quiet.

I had to babysit for my brother this weekend. He’s seventeen years old, and for some reason, my parents, who are visiting my sister at college this weekend, decided he needed a chaperone. Now, I love my brother, I truly do. He’s a wiseass, but basically, he’s a really, really, really, REALLY good kid.

Well, at least, I thought so.

I know he gets into trouble in school, with his mouth and all, but he really only plays Playstation 2 and plays sports. Everything. Soccer. Basketball. Baseball. Paintball. He’s smart, doesn’t apply himself and would rather be playing guitar than homework. Reminds me of me. Well, anyway, I figured I’d get to my parents house and he’s be upstairs, surgically attached to the Playstation, I would make dinner and go to bed.

Wrong.

He calls me as I’m walking into my apartment at 8:30, after one hellishly horrendous week, and tells me that he’s calling to let me know he’s got people up. Now, my parents live in the middle of NOWHERE. Seriously. We didn’t have a phone until I was in second grade, for crying out loud. Very grass roots, very hick-ish. My father raised sheep and chickens when I was growing up. It’s a beautiful house and I love the solace and serenity of knowing I’m really the only person for miles (the solace which is being pierced by the booming God-like voice of Mr. Ian Thornley. I love their stereo.). When I was younger, I hated not having anyone to play with. As I got older, I realized we could friggin’ drop a nuclear bomb up here and no one would ever know. Volume is not an issue. No one can here us and if they can, they don’t care.

His “people” were about 12 kids, all boys except one, all seventeen or eighteen. All extremely drunk/high and both. Imagine my surprise. My innocent little brother telling me I didn’t need to bring beer because they already had a 30 pack of Coors Lite. Yick.

Needless to say, I got HAMMERED with a bunch of highschool kids in my parents front yard. Kids I’ve known since they were five or six years old. Kids I was doing tequila shots with.

Kids.

Now, I know I’m not THAT old, but I really felt it. They’re seventeen. I’m almost 22. There’s an age gap. Maybe because I realized that THAT’S what highschool was. They’re seniors and they have their whole lives ahead of them. They have no clue what it means to have no money for food, what working 60 hours a week feels like, what layoffs mean…they have no clue. Their innocence amazed me.

I was jealous.

I wanted to be 17 years old again.

So…here I am. In the house I grew up in. Making brownies, listening to Big Wreck and typing the 30 pages of delicous, wonderful shit I wrote in the last week into the computer, trying to convince myself I’m not hungover.

So maybe the week wasn’t that bad.

“Am I using my own words now?

Or is someone beyond

Just waving their wand?”

-Big Wreck, Defined by What We Steal, The Pleasure and the Greed

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Layoffs.

It’s a word of I’ve heard all my life, but never experienced first hand.

Layoffs.

My boss pulled me upstairs today and said it all in rush before I had even sat at the table. Said it all in a rush before I could even comprehend what was happening. Let him show me the figures.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “You’re staying.”

“You’re laying people off?!”

Ever intelligent. So observant.

I knew something was going on today. Saw Kim’s eyes when she came downstairs. I thought I was going to get yelled at or something. I didn’t know what he was saying, he was so nervous.

So…I still have a job.

I still have a job.

Our staff was cut in half.

I’m not going to Russia.

I’m not getting a car in November.

My friends got fired.

But I still have a job.

This is going to be a really long week…

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I was going to blog about this week.

I planned on it.

But now that I’m here, there isn’t much for me to say.

Except for the fact that it all seems like a bad dream to me.

And I’m still sad. Sad that I’d become numb to it in these past few days, dealing with people who were at airports, people who called wondering if their loved ones were on the planes, were safe, people who were stranded in Chicago, Canada, LAX…

Then the people who called who were supposed to travel…honeymooners, business people…and I had to tell them that there were no refunds after October 1st. Had to listen to them curse me, threaten me…

Somewhere along the way, I made myself stop caring just so I could make it through.

And then, this weekend, tuned to MTV to avoid the America Under Attack specials that were everywhere, I saw Live’s new video for their song ‘Overcome’, a song they released expressly for this event (you can download it on their site.)

And I cried.

Felt redeemed. Like a human being again.

Not that anything will ever be the same.

Please help.

Love you all.

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What day is it? Tuesday? I so do not want to go into work today. It’s almost time to go and I haven’t showered or eaten. I just can’t seem to get myself going this morning, so I’m going to sit right down and tell you about my lovely long weekend.

Saturday morning I got up at ten am, which is fairly late for me. Neil actually got up before noon and I suggested we go somewhere for the day because a:) it was a beautiful day and b:) I was avoiding my mother’s phone call asking if I was going to my cousin’s wedding. I didn’t and I wasn’t going from the very beginning. It wasn’t like it was going to be a happy wedding. When I told my father I wasn’t going, he replied that he didn’t want to go, not even my aunt (my cousin’s mother) wanted to go but we all needed to go because we were a family. Needless to say, I skipped it. Neil and I took the dog out to Dublin Lake, drove to Peterborough and then got thoroughly lost in the process.

Sunday morning I was awakened by someone banging on the front door. Not casual knocking. Bang Bang BANGBANGBANG I rolled out of bed and stumbled, disheveled amd contactless, into the living room. It sounded like an emergancy or something. When I got to the door it stopped and I heard them leave the porch. It was some kids, selling something. If I hadn’t been so contactless and disheveled and hungover, I probably would have opened the door and either yelled at them or bought something. Sunday I had a family reunion to go to, on my mother’s side. I wasn’t really looking forward to it, since my grandmother is occassionally (read ALWAYS) bugging me about something. So I brought Penny up to my parents’ house for the day so she could hang out with Krissy. Then I headed down to my grandmother’s and smiled and answered the same questions over and over. After an hour, I had had enough. I headed home. My mom was kind of mad, but I don’t really care.

Monday I was a sloth. Slept late. Redesigned my page. Wrote a lot, erased a lot.

Anyway, I should get in the shower. It’s getting late.

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