sentimental geek

Oh, Christ, it’s late…

What a shitty, shitty, shitty day.

I’ve lost all faith in men. Seriously. Whatever.

I don’t know what to do about him and, right now, I don’t even care. I want to ask him “What do you want?” and see what he says. Did you ever want anything to happen? What was I to you? How am I to you? What’s going on? What’s going to happen?

Tell me, tell me, tell me…

You just can’t come in, give me a hug and leave.

It doesn’t work that way.

I don’t work that way.

And I won’t.

Ah, well…too many Cider Jack’s at Neil’s. Watched ‘Romeo + Juliet”.

In hindsight, it really was a bad movie to watch tonight.

Boy problems.

Okay, okay, so I’m still pretty toasty from tonight at Chrissi’s, but talking to Neil on the way home just got me going. Thank you very much, Neil.

So, it’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I’m unsuccessful when I come to men. And boys, for that matter. I’ve met a lot of boys. It’s always one-sided (mostly, my-sided) and if I even get a hint that some guy is digging me, I run off like a scared Teletubbie.

So I’ve been having issues with a certain boy/man in my life, who has recently shown a slight interest in my existance, a new concept for me. I have no idea what to do. I could persue it and fall on my face like a total fool (as usual), or I can avoid it and chicken out like a total moron (as usual). The fact that I really do like this guy has nothing to do with it. Me liking someone never changed anything between this.

But I really dig this guy. We have a huge amount in common…and I feel a connection to him, like I’ve known him for a long time, when we only actually met a few months ago. It just drives me crazy because I make myself insane over it.

Gosh, I’m sounding like a girl, aren’t I? No one roll over and die or anything. My inside ghetto-girl is just dying to come out and I really, really want something to happen.

I just want something to happen.

My body hurts.

Everything hurts.

Be it the fact I didn’t take my medication for two days or be it the fact I haven’t had a ciggeratte in two days.

I can barely move.

Neil wants me to come over tonight but I really don’t want to go, since he doesn’t get out of work until 7:30 and I don’t want to wait around at his apartment.

I’ll probably end up going.

Not making much sense these days, am I? [Linda?]

I’ve been in a sort of really strange weirdo mood lately. Lots has happened and I wrote all about it yesterday but the internet goblins ate it. My connection has been deadslow lately, so bear with me, and I think we can get it.

First things first:

[blaring trumpet]

I got a new job.

…Pause while Jen does cartwheels across the floor…

Yes, the bleak netherworld of Hannaford Bros. is no more. I have accepted a job a prominent travel firm here in Keene, and I’m so excited about it, I can hardly breathe. WHOO HOO! No more ugly red smock for me, I am now a professional woman, which is so much better than that amatuer I used to be.

So, ta-da, big news, big move, big money, big smile on the face of yours truly.

And hopefully on yours too.

Meg’s birthday was Saturday [happy birthday, Meggie] and by the time I got out of work, she was asleep on the couch. Sooo, Neil and I grabbed a couple of Magic Hat brews(Fat Angel and Number 9 if anyone is wondering)…yummy Vermont beer…and sat out on the porch and smoked too much and talked and listened to the rain.

The power went off last night at work, which was insane. Some birds blew up a transformer on Island Street and when they transferred power, the one near us blew like something out of an action flick. Word to the wise (and those unable to grasp the obvious): if the lights at your favorite grocery store are off…DO NOT GO IN. It’s true, people are like sheep. Needless to say, it really clinched my job decision, hauling 200 lbs. of dead animals out of the case and into the meat freezer and then, 20 minutes later, hauling it back out when the lights came back on and we were, once again, open for business, our nerves still raging after the two hours of lightless hell. So I went in today to use the phone and got bitched at for ten minutes because this certain someone found meat underneath registers. Wonderful. Just wonderful. I had enough to worry about and I thought shopback had been done so just get out of my face.

Went to tell my boss I was interviewing for a new job. I did this because I wanted to tell her myself, and not have her hear it through the damn grapevine. I should have known she already would have known, since I told one person Friday I had a job interview and Saturday afternoon, the whole Front End knew.

I met my Lloyd Dobler and he’s wonderful and perfect and I just want him to be mine. More details on THAT later on, folks. Film at eleven.

I tore my room apart looking for my plain black shoes for my interview today, coming up with nothing. If my sister took them to college with her, I’ll kill her. I had to wear my five inch platform black pleather boots to my interview today. Certainly must have made an impression…but I still felt unprofessional and uncomfortable.

Penny is grumbling on the bed and snorting…which means it’s time for me to turn out the light and get some sleep.

Tori’s on my speakers…she helps.

So many things I wanted to tell you today…

But I just let you walk away.

“He is NOT the messiah…he’s a very, very naughty boy!”

Can’t sleep.
…sigh…

Booklist

Kalimantaan by CS Godshalk

A Moveable Feast Ernest Hemingway

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Edward Albee

One Hundred Years of Solitude Gabriel Garcia

Girl, Interrupted Susanna Kaysen

A Passage to India Edward Morgan Forster

The Poisonwood Bible Barbara Kingsolver

and of course…

She’s Come Undone Wally Lamb

Suggestions, please!

Okay…

So, I’m scholarly now. Went to Sociology today and felt good. Decided I could still make a high B in Cultural Geography if I bust my ass.

I should read more books. Really, I should. I don’t read much of anything anymore. Chrissi’s really into the Oprah Bookclub, so’s my mother, but I don’t know if I am. I’m just not wellread enough, I guess. It’s something I want to change. I want to be MORE scholarly.

Goals, goals, goals. I’ve got a meeting tomorrow with an academic advisor and I’ve got to talk to Rydner on Friday, or email him, or something. I don’t know what. Don’t know why I’m so into school now.

Don’t know why I’m talkin in sentence fragments, either

It’s thunderstorming out. The lightening brightens the sky to a deep, smooth dark blue.

I like rain.

Scully sans Mulder, the ‘Dr. Laura show’ and other signs of the apocolypse…

Yes, I fear the end is near, folks. Has anyone seen the cover of Entertainment Weekly? Isn’t that the freaky cyborg dude from T2? What the hell? And since when can white, gay-bashing, racist icequeens get their own TV show?…well, besides 700 Club.

My contact now has a permanent cloud in it, making my world blurry and off-kilter.

My issue of ‘Martha Stewart Living’ arrived today. So did my first computer bill. Did a classic ‘doh!’ in my head as I read it. Yuck. I hate money.

Probably because I never have any.

Figured out what I’m going to do about school. I’m going to have drop down to 3/4 Time to do it, but, oh, well. Have to call the insurance company and see if they’ll take me off my parents’ insurance if I do that, but my college loans are safe for now. They can’t touch me. Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah…

So, my busy weekend is over.

Neil’s birthday was a blast. We had a wonderful dinner at Tony Clamato’s, a beautiful, old-time Italian ristorante and bar. I decided I might want to go there, instead of Marco Polo for Japanese. We headed back to his house, after a few foiled attempts to buy some red wine, and watched movies and got totally sloshed. So much fun, too many Lemon Drops, lots of laughing and tears. Icky in the morning…work sucked…went home early…YAY!

So, as you saw in one of my previous entries, today was the day I was going to get my ass in gear. I’ve decided to withdraw from Cultural Geography, an accelerated course that I’ve missed too much to even hope for a B now. I set up an appointment at the Elliot Center to talk to an advisor, and I’m also going to talk about taking a leave of absence to get my head on straight. I’ve decided I don’t want to drop out of college completely…just put it on hold for a semester. I updated my checkbook [finally] and made an appointment at the clinic for new contacts. I’m going to clean out my nasty pit of a car and then go to work from 4 to 11pm, where I shall inquire about my raise that hasn’t risen yet, which pisses me off, since I guess they’ve been screwing a lot of people out of their raises lately. The computers went down this weekend, so all schedules were done by hand…wicked fun. Whoohoo. First week of no Wednesday work…which will be a lot of fun and relief.

I’m actually happy today. I feel relieved for some reason. Maybe because I know I’m finally doing the right thing.

It’s about damn time, right?

Oh, BTW, thanks Melissa. You’re a doll and I miss you.